


Nights, I don't sleep

by seoafin



Series: charm work [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, OR IS IT, Past Child Abuse, Snippets, barely any interaction between sirius and the reader, emotionally repressed reader, is this slowburn?, like really emotionally repressed lmao, unrequited pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:00:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23589535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seoafin/pseuds/seoafin
Summary: There must be something about the silence that ensues or the expression on your face because the smile on Sirius's face, that lazy curve of lips that promises a good time and has girls swooning, falls from his face.[deleted/cut scene]
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Reader
Series: charm work [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1699855
Comments: 5
Kudos: 89





	Nights, I don't sleep

**Author's Note:**

> yes, i have not written anything in a year and the first thing I write is harry potter fanfiction in the year of 2020 #justquarantinethingz  
> basically i reread the entire series for the first time since I was like 12 and damn did I have a lot of feelings. 
> 
> anyway, i love the marauders. ngl they're all canonically dicks (except remus but then again he didn't do anything when James and Sirius were making Snape's life hell so??? hmm) but it makes them all the more layered and interesting. I particularly like Sirius because i think he's a very very complex character
> 
> also i can't believe i tagged this as sirius x reader when they barely interact whoops sorry i'll feed y'all with some more content later

Shouts of _Expectro Patronus_ fill the air, momentarily echoing in the abandoned classroom as silver lights escape from the tip of wands. You can see Marlene beam at the light, before laughing and slinging her arms around an equally grinning Sirius. Lily looks amazed by the wispy doe that has burst out of her wand, so enraptured that she hardly notices James next to her, looking at her with such longing that you wonder why he hasn't confessed yet.

You survey the room. There are only a few members of the order here tonight, or as James's had dubbed it, 'remedial lessons' simply because Lily had bristled at the implied insult. However half of the infamous Marauders are missing. Peter and Remus are nowhere in sight.

You don't spend much time thinking about the Marauders. James and Lily were basically fodder for gossip at this point, and you could rarely get through the Slytherin common rooms without hearing somebody condemn Sirius Black as a blood traitor (ie, Lucius Malfoy) or one of the girls sighing about his rugged good looks, much to the dismay of the boys.

Peter, you don't know well. 

But Remus--

You liked Remus. Remus was nice enough to make conversation with you during transfiguration class with Mcgonagall. He would even read the muggle books you lent him.

"What's wrong?"

You turn, as your only friend at Hogwarts studies you worriedly, blue eyes narrowed. Without Irina you think you would have dropped out of Hogwarts long ago. It was difficult enough being in Slytherin. Even more difficult since you were a muggle. The rivalry between Gryffindor and Slytherin was vicious; you were accused guilty by association from one side, and guilty of being born from another. You don't know what Dumbledore believed you could contribute to the order, especially since he had repeatedly stressed that unity was key. You were not trusted. A fact that Marlene felt the need to make exceedingly clear.

You can't blame her. You heard her family had been slaughtered by death eaters-- death eaters whose family members were proud members of the Slytherin house. In the hallways you would hear the jeers and insults thrown her way. They were proud. A fact you had realized with a disgusted recoil when Lucius Malfoy had jinxed you for being in his path while boasting about killing off the blood traitors.

There's a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach as you roll your wand between your fingers. "I can't do it." And you're right. You repeat the incantation, wave your wand, and pull a rare happy memory from the depths of your mind, but nothing appears. Your frustration is well warranted.

You can say without a doubt that Charms are your specialty. During your one-on-one advanced classes with Professor Flitwick, he had commented more than once on the inherent rhythm to your hand motions that would make you an exceptional duelist. He also expressed his disappointment over your assortment to Slytherin. You would have, according to him, "made a wonderful Ravenclaw". The small man had always welcomed your questions and aside from a warning here and there about the dangers of using the charms on people, especially on Hogwarts grounds, he never failed to be anything but encouraging,

You liked him. 

Much more than you did your own head of house, Professor Slughorn.

Irina laughs, the sound drawing stares from the group. Some wary, some besotted with the blonde beauty, and others welcoming. While you remained the black sheep of the group, the others were already warming up to her. 

"You? Can't do a charm? Is that even possible?" She's teasing but you stare dejectedly at your wand as if the solution, willing the solution to appear.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see Lily make her way over. You know she's only going to offer to help, but the increased scrutiny never fails to exhaust you. You aren't interested in changing the opinions of others, especially since you know that the undisguised contempt in Marlene's eyes will likely never fade.

Lily approaches the two of you, James's gaze following her. "If I can do it, then you definitely can. You're much better at charms than me." Lily says.

You don't think there's many people that Lily Evan's can admit being in second place to. You give her a small smile, and she smiles back.

"Professor Flitwick always talks about you in class, you know. You're his star pupil."

Irina nods, beaming. "He does. Always talking about how you should've been sorted into Ravenclaw, and it's such a shame that the _Slytherins_ got you, and how we should follow your studious ways."

Out of the corner of your eyes, you can see people tense at your house name, but your face warms at the compliment.

She gestures to your wand. "Can I see?"

There's nothing but encouragement in Lily's words, but you still reluctantly raise your wand and repeat the motion and words, dredging up the happiest memory you can muster.

Nothing happens and Irina's eyebrows jump in surprise. "Shite, I thought you were joking."

The exasperated look on your face has her chuckling. 

Your fingers grip your wand tightly. “I don’t--” you shake your head. “I’ve never had this much trouble with charm before." There's a disconcerting look on your face. "I should be able to do this.”

There’s a sympathetic smile on Lily's face. "Well, your intonation and wand work is impeccable. So that only leaves your memory."

"My memory?" You don't mean to sound so perturbed, or skeptical, but enough of it leaks out of your voice to have Irina shaking her head affectionately. The memory you used was a simple one, but happy enough. It was the first time you had ever entered the Hogwarts library. The surreal silence combined with the towering bookshelves and floating books was all it had taken for you to fall in love. You think it might have been the first time in your life you were really ever happy. You thought it'd be enough, but apparently not.

"It doesn't have to be your happiest memory." Lily explains patiently. "But that would work best. Something like--"

"--a birthday, Christmas, quidditch--" Sirius starts, a mischievous glint in his dark eyes.

James grins. "--shagging a girl in Filch's office."

The resounding gags come from Lily and Marlene, with the latter's face turning red.

"You're disgusting, Potter. An absolute arse." Lily snarls, whirling around to face the aforementioned boy. And then they're back at it, flinging insults and bringing everyone a little closer to the edge of insanity.

"Mine is the first time my mum took me to Diagon Alley." Irina says with a sigh, and there's something so sentimental about the way she says it that you feel something unfurl in your chest. You think the feeling could be longing.

"I--"

You're interrupted by a large floating translucent dog barreling towards you, and Irina lets out a delighted noise as the dog circles you, letting out a bark. Even Lily fights a smile, the insult on her tongue disappearing as the dog eventually pads over to her and nudges her leg before disappearing.

"It should be easy enough for a charm whiz like you," Sirius drawls, and the room falls silent. "What, no happy memories with the family?" 

You blink.

You don't think you detect any traces of derision in his voice in his voice, but you don't think he's teasing you either. Irina levels a sharp look at him.

You don't recall Sirius's reaction to your initiation. You don't ever recall even talking to him. Perhaps you're merely ambivalent to the face that sparks a frenzy among the girls in your year.

But happy family memories?

You suppose that would make sense. A majority of happy memories lie within the family in which you were born. Birthdays, Christmas's, family gatherings, vacations. A typical family is composed of a loving mother, a stern yet occasionally doting father, and a child who should never wonder what it feels like to be unwanted, unloved. And yet here you are; no memory of your mother and a father who believed you were the embodiment of his sins.

There must be something about the silence that ensues or the expression on your face because the smile on Sirius's face, that lazy curve of lips that promises a good time and has girls swooning, falls from his face. The expression on his face morphs into something resembling a mixture of surprise and...

You jerk your head away. Your face feels numb. And you're back in your dilapidated house, in a small bathroom with moldy tiles and a rusty sink as you cower against the wall. You want to disappear, to turn invisible. You think if you make yourself smaller then he'd leave you alone. Loud footsteps storm down the hallway in tandem with your pounding heart. Your father, a hulking giant of a man storms into the bathroom, grabs the back of your head, and drags you to the tub. You barely remember to breathe before he slams you face first into water so cold it stings.

The sudden resurgence of the memory leaves you disconcerted, but the memory disappears as soon as it appears, forced back into the box in your mind you had created long ago to protect yourself. The knot in your throat disappears. 

You regard Sirius for a second, taking in those dark eyes and structured face, and then you drop your gaze to the floor. "I...I suppose I should think on it." 

And then your feet are taking off. You can vaguely hear Lily and Irina call your name. On the way out you brush past Remus and Peter. 

The weight of Sirius's stare on your back follows you all the way to your common room.

**Author's Note:**

> we appreciate flitwick in this house!! i love that small man.
> 
> i have no idea what i wanted to achieve by posting this. i think i just wanted to put something out there idk man this quarantine is rlly messing with my head
> 
> anyway, this is kinda like a prototype?? basically i have an idea for a plot, and a few scenes planned but like...I literally lack the mental willpower to write stories with cohesive and complex plots (beginnings stump me unfortunately)  
> so I'm debating on whether or not to just post snippets stories (like this) which may or may not be in chronological order until I get my ass in gear and actually plan shit or to just yolo it and write the damn story lmaoo (which means I will have to delete this snippet and somehow incorporate it into a chapter welp  
> the reason why I want it in a chapter story to story format is because the vague plot outlined in my head is complex!! and a lot of it would be lost if it was only in snippet format
> 
> yeah i rambled whoops
> 
> hmu @ my tumblr [here!](http://seoafin.tumblr.com)


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